he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
