just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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