glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
