I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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