i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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