just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I believe in your delicious
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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