I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
