my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
