have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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