know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
