Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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