I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
