New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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