her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
