I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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