my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
