I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
