You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
