i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
