I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
