At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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