Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
