You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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