We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
