When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
