I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Randomize