Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize