No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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