Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
