I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I wish you could order shots online.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
