happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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