Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
