Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
