You made me cry and you don't even care
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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