Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
