"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
