I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
