life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
