I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
