Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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