i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
