my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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