How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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