I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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