Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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