If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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