I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
