We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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