a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Randomize
