It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
