Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
