I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
