It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
