I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
