fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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