Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
