Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
