I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Even my vagina gasped.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
