I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
