Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Randomize
