I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
