I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
