my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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